The Internuts.

Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in California . They hired him because he was funny.

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one
who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place .

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UPTO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIALAWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FI VE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. -- Bill Cosby

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. -- Ray Romano

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - Unknown

As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it. -- Sam Ewing

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! -- Doug Larson

Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman. -- Kathy Lette

Most fools think they are only ignorant. -- Benjamin Franklin

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER. -- Dennis Leary

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. -- Jean Kerr

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers

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1. Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...
2. I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
3. On the other hand... you have different fingers.
4. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
6. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
7. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
8. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
9. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
10. 90% of all statistics are made up.
11. My parents made me what I am today. I'm thinking of suing.
12. You can't have everything...where would you put it?
13. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
14. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
15. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
16. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
17. Opinions are like assholes... everybody's got one, and they're often full of shit.
18. I think therefore I am... I think.
19. Deja moo = "I swear that's the exact same cow we passed about six miles ago."
20. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
21. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
22. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
23. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
24. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
25. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
26. Where ever you go, there you are.
27. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
28. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
29. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
30. If age is an attitude, I need an attitude adjustment.

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1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the
wall and says to her: "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob"?

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said, "it will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, Sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final."

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too.

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, dammit, give him the blowjob, or I'll have to blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep."

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Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

O O

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your butt hole before prison....."

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A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

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Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
Ellen: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

One day as a husband was having his tea at home, his wife complained to him . . .
Wife: You know dear, our new washerwoman stole two of our towels. That crook!
Husband: Which towels dear?
Wife: The ones we stole from the hotel in Miami Beach

Teacher: What excuse have you got for being late?
John: (breathlessly) I ran so fast, teacher, that I didn't have time to think of on

Teacher writes a sum, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard.
Teacher: Is the sum right?
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right
First Student: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right?
Second Student: Right
First Student: Then why did you say 3 + 7 is 9 right?
Second Student: Because you say it is wrong and I agreed with you.

Little John asked a long-distance telephone operator, "Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?"
Operator replied, "Just a minute."
Little John said, "Thank you." And he put down the phone.

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: You have done the right thing.
Son: But I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher.
"When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your **** on your back?
The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!"

Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

' Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT' ..

This time I know I’m gonna get SCREWED

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What you ask is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustrationher Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonderthe little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again' she said'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off themhe asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him he replied’ I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked’ Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord' the minister beganwith arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without youwe are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice' Mom what is butt dust?'

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Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?'

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

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Received this scam email earlier today. Read it, have a good laugh.

ATT;SIR / MADAM,

I PRESUMED THAT ALL IS WELL WITH YOU AND YOUR
FAMILY. PLEASE LET THIS DO NOT BE A SURPRISE PROPOSAL TO YOU BECAUSE I GOT YOUR
CONTACT INFORMATION FROM THE INTERNATIONAL DIRECTORY IN FEW WEEKS AGO BEFORE I
DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON THIS MAGINTUDE AND LUCRATIVE TRANSACTION FOR OUR
FUTURE SURVIVAL IN LIFE.

MOREOVER, I HAVE LAID ALL THE SOLEMN TRUST
IN YOU BEFORE I DECIDED TO DISCLOSE THIS SUCCESSFUL & CONFIDENTIAL
TRANSACTION TO YOU.

I AM MR.AASIF RAHEESH, THE AUDITOR INCHARGE OF
FOREIGN REMITTANCE UNIT OF OUR BANK HERE IN BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA, AND I HAVE
HAD THE INTENT TO CONTACT YOU OVER THIS FINANCIAL TRANSACTION WORTH THE
SUM($10M) FOR OUR SUCCESS.

THE LATE PRIME MINISTER, MR. RAFIK BAHAA
EDINE HARIRI,DEPOSITED AS A FAMILY VALUABLES WORTH ($10M.) HERE IN BURKINA FASO,
THE FAMILY DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS DEPOSIT.RAFIK BAHAA EDINE HARIRI (NOVEMBER
1, 1944 - FEBRUARY 14,2005), MARRIED TO NAZEK AUDI HARIRI, WAS A LEBANESE
SELF-MADE MILLIONAIRE AND BUSINESS TYCOON, AND WAS FIVE TIMES PRIME MINISTER OF
LEBANON(1992-1998 AND 2000-2004) BEFORE HIS LAST RESIGNATION FROM OFFICE ON
OCTOBER 20, 2004.

THE LATE MR. RAFIK BAHAA EDINE HARIRI DIED ON THE
14TH DAY OF FEBRUARY, 2005 WHEN EXPLOSIVES EQUIVALENT TO AROUND 300 KG OF C4
WERE DETONATED AS HIS MOTORCADE DROVE PAST THE SAINT GEORGE HOTEL IN THE
LEBANESE CAPITAL, FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND INTO YOUR
ACCOUNT, { 40% }WILL BE YOUR SHARE IN RESPECT OF THE ACCOUNT PROVISION AND YOUR
ASSISTANCE RENDERED DURING THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT,{ 50%
} WILL BE MY SHARE BEING THE CODINATOR OF THE TRANSACTION WHILE THE REST { 10% }
WILL BE SHARED TO THE RESPECTABLE ORGANISATIONS CENTERS SUCH AS CHARITY
ORGANISATION.

IN RESPONCE INCLUDE YOUR,

1.YOUR NAME
2.YOUR COUNTRY
3.YOUR AGE
4.YOUR OCCUPATION.
5.YOUR MOBILE
NUMBER.
6.YOUR PHOTOGRAPH COPY

AS SOON AS YOU REPLY , THE STEP
TO FOLLOW IN ORDER TO FINALIZE THIS TRANSACTION IMMEDIATELY.

I EXPECT
YOUR URGENT COMMUNICATION.
MR.AASIF RAHEESH
WAIT YOUR RESPONSE

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TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

Caution... They Walk Among Us!======================================================================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "where???"

They Walk Among Us!======================================================================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!======================================================================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

They Walk Among Us!======================================================================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but,"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

They Walk Among Us!======================================================================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

They Walk Among Us!======================================================================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... (maybe I should have bought 10 cases)

They Walk Among Us!======================================================================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...

They Walk Among Us!======================================================================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces."

Yep, they walk among us AND they reproduce!

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One night 4 college students were playing till late night and didn't
study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and
said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return
the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way
back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in
seperate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?...............( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right

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A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! Text in bold are the answers.

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than Pregnant

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The plane is on its way to Houston , when a blonde in economy class gets upand moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit back in her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , andI'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and theco-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs ineconomy and won't move back to her seat.The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

He replies, "I told her, `First class isn't going to Houston .'"

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There's that man, who has a cock 50 cm long. And he can't get fucked, cause' no lady can take it that sky-high. Well, he's desperate and the only way out seems the Ookaburra witch. Well, the man decides to seek help from the witch. Entering the dark cottage, a voice speaks: "I know why You are here... 3 kilometers east from here there is a swamp. In the middle of the swamp on a stone sits the largest frog on earth. If You get him to answer "no" to one of Your questions, Your cock will get 10 cm shorter."

Well, in the swamp they meet and after a little thought he asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" - "No"

The man goes behind a small tree and checks it out - wow! 10 cm shorter!

Well, surely enough he goes again and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" - "No!"

He goes behind the tree again and looks: only 30 cm long! 20 cm would be just right...

Again, he asks: "Frog, will you marry me?" - "How many times do I have to say - NO!, NO! and once more NO!!!"

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.

He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longtitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well" says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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Introducing Mr.Ola! He's our latest addition to the team.
Here's his entry joke.

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

Some information about Mr.Ola.

He's 18, residing in Singapore.
How did he come to know about us? Altair told him about this site.

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QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

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A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said,"Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

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Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transcripts:

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on...what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch – and she did!

Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: This Myasthenia Gavis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget things.
Q: You forget things? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: What is your date of birth sir.
A: July 17th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: When was the last time you saw the deceased?
A: At his funeral.
Q: Did he make any comments to you at that time?

Q: Now doctor -- Isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases, he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

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1. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

2. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

3. The "bishop" came to my church today.. that guy was an imposter, he never once moved diagonally.

4. When there's a will, I want to be in it.

5. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

6. Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.

7. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

8. Q: How far can you see on a clear day? A: 93 million miles, from here to the Sun.

9. I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

10. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

11. A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.

12. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

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Below are some real life examples of complaints. Have a good laugh =)

1. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

2. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

3. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

4. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

10. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

11. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

12. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

13. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

14. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

15. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

16. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

17. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Consider your birth certificate as an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

9. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

11. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

12. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

13. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't want to.

14. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

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Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel andstands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies."Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything aboutthe £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in theworld." Puff! "
She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keepyour mouth shut!

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One day there was a 14 year old girl in a nice short skirt. A boy about 16 walked up to her and said, "I bet you can’t climb that tree".
The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch".The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your panties".
The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your panties".
The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one.
The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy.
The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your panties again".The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any ".

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